In this first part of a planned series (it's the first I've heard of it, but I was catching up on hockey podcasts all of last week) "ZZ Frost" and "DUB" of Ede, Holland's self-styled "Kriegt'o'dgelichte" underground extreme metal screw-arounds The Sodomised Abortions -- whose mixture of the war metal of Revenge and the death metal of classic Dutch old-schoolers Asphyx has been thrilling at least one CoC scribe of late, 'twould seem -- recently spent a few of their precious earth-bound hours sorting and listening through the CD haul they picked up at the Metalmarkt attached to Germany's Rock Hard three-day festival (see Gigs for write-up, coming soon). Unluckily for them, they did this in the company of Paul Schwarz, who like the sneaky, predictable Englisher he is, clearly rigged a dictaphone, recorded their every word via himself as a third party and then submitted this 'rant', adding his own thoughts and ratings. He says we'll be doing six of these, covering the list you'll see below this introduction: it will be featured in each 'episode' of this 'series' of rants. Ratings will appear only in body text of any given 'episode', so you'll have to piece them together if you're thinking of block labelling a music library any time soon.

Series One: In Ede and Extreme

Written, edited, transcribed and paraphrased by: Paul Schwarz

A campsite in Ede, a relatively modest collective haul of CDs and DVDs, a computer with a Yahoo Messenger program that won't go away and the opinions of others at the touch of a button. What a perfect recipe for a 'rant' which no one had to think too much about to write, eh?

The List (cheapest to dearest; min €5.00, max €16.00)

1. In Blackest Velvet - _Insuisight_ (self-released CD, 6 tracks, 2006 - free)

2. Deceased - _Up the Tombstones Live 2000_ (CD, 10 tracks, 2000 - bought)

3. Nevermore _The Politics of Ecstacy_ (CD, 10 tracks, 1996 original - bought)

4. Venom - _Hell at Hammersmith (Live in London)_ (DVD, 60 mins stated run-time, "powered by Rock Hard", 15 tracks including "bass solo", recorded live 1985, original line-up - bought)

5. Unsane - _Blood Run_ (CD, 11 tracks, 2005 - bought)

6. The Chasm - _Conjuration of the Spectral Empire_ (CD, 11 tracks, 2003 - bought)

7. Forbidden - _Raw Evil Live at the Dynamo_ (CD, 4 tracks, 1998 re-release of 1989 live recording)

8. Faith No More - _The Real Thing_ (CD, 1989, 11 tracks - bought)

9. Hypocrisy - _Abducted_ (CD, digipack, 13 tracks, 1996 album - bought)

10. Extreme Noise Terror - _Damage 381_ (CD, 10 tracks, 1997 - bought)

11. Nattefrost - _Terrorist (Necronaut PT.1)_ (CD, digipak, 13 tracks - bought)

12. Immortal - _Damned in Black_ (CD, 7 tracks, 2000 - bought)

13. Immortal _Blizzard Beasts_ (CD, 8 tracks, 1997 - bought)

14. Necrophagia - _Necrotorture Sickness_ (DVD, 120 mins stated run-time, 16-track show inclusive of "credits" and "young burial", no booklet, 'extras' may be lengthy, RS is allegedly the label so it is allegedly legit - bought)

15. Darkthrone - _Panzerfaust_ (CD, 7 tracks, 1995 - bought)

16. Kroda - _Toward the Firmaments Verge of Life_ (CD, 9 tracks, 2005 - bought)

17. Nocturnus - _A Farewell to Planet Earth_ (bootleg DVD, 17 tracks, no booklet, 'released' 2004, recorded '91-'97 - bought)

18. Crux (Cz) - _Rev Smrti - Scream of Death_ (CD, 11 tracks including 4 marked as "bonus", 2006/7 release for tracks recorded from '90-'06 - bought)

19. DHG - _Supervillian Outcast_ (CD, 15 tracks, 2007 - bought)

20. The Crown - _14 Years of No Tomorrow_ (3-DVD, 2005 - bought)

21. Dead Kennedys - _The Early Years_ (DVD, 9 tracks, no booklet, 30 mins stated and actual total run-time - bought)

22. Extreme Noise Terror - _From One Extreme to Another_ (probably bootleg DVD, 2002, 11 tracks and interview extra, no booklet - bought)

[Marking scheme: * to ***** or 'one to five', often with vague classification. Editor's discretion, ultimately.]

Episode One: Dark Immortal Wood, Hardened in a Tomb

It's 21:51 and the fish sleep sound. The frogs are a different matter, but we won't talk about them. Only DUB insists on pondering the possible presence of goats in the area. Who could imagine why? Wel, ZZ realises that he underrated DARKTHRONE's _Panzerfaust_ on the basis of its reputation for being a Celtic Frost rip-off, and we are in accord. I have to admit, I did base that mainly on the evidence of "A Triumphant Gleam" (of "The Usurper", undoubtedly) and something else. He would mark it same as I would _Fuck Off and Die_, though if it didn't have the disclaimer in the booklet and the line "The grass is raped" in the lyrics, it would probably be scored lower here. "Plus it is indeed 'Grimly produced by Darkthrone'," adds DUB with a smile and a grin. [Tentative average rating after one full listen: ****]

At five to ten, the birds cry hell and ZZ answers with KRODA. It reminds me of Devil Doll raping Paradise Lost and spawning black metal that sounds like Dark Funeral trapped in a cardboard box. I'm not sure I get it, but it is 'cool' and called _Toward the Firmaments Verge of Life_ (the title is unsurprising when you bear in mind that Kroda are Ukranian). One of the tracks features a lift of the melody from the main theme of "Terminator", apparently. Definitely worthy of a download and listen-through: if you buy, try to make sure you're not buying a Russian bootleg, of which there may now be many, judging on some of the other CDs available in Rock Hard's Metalmarkt. [Tentative average rating after one full listen: ***1/2]

There is silence as IMMORTAL's b-side albums spin away into the whitening but still blue evening sky. "This is not nekro, but it is brutal." ZZ or DUB said it, but it's obviously in reference to _Blizzard Beasts_, which I actually mistook for _Altars of Madness_ at first. Honestly, spending the last five years not listening to these albums has improved their worth hugely to me at this crucial time. ZZ is going on about how we'll have to wait 'til February for the new album. He's been talking to some guy who knows some guy who allegedly knows some guy who is a head of A&R somewhere, or something. It's kind of garbled and he says his "World of Warcraft" clan might be playing, or he might have dreamed it. That's great. Thanks for sharing. Honestly, we think he was previewing the sci-fi horror we've got comin' up later, but we weren't: we were checking out _Damned in Black_ together for the first time, having just seen "Wrath From Above" and "Damned in Black" itself performed live at the "religious experience" that took place last Saturday, May 10th in Gelsenkirchen, Germany. DUB worships Blashyrkh, you see. Still, to parody the standard 'Painful Wordcount' or PW form what comes wif each a dese here ree-ports... [Editor-approved average rating for combined 'good' after sketchy and interrupted 'full' listen through both: ***1/2]

So you got HYPOCRISY's _Abducted_ for €10 in the digipak edition your mate had in the late '90s: there are no bonus tracks or nerdy treats! It's just a 'rarity' from a bygone era where physical media had monetary value, rather than destined obsolescence and a future as dead weight! It's lovely because you remember it from when you were a teenager and it allows you to update your pitiful 128 kbps MP3s with lovely, shiny 320s. KK realy does go on about this one. And it -is- well overdue a reassessment, so it's always nice to have a copy around for possible future reference, apparently. "Yay, completion," says DUB, who intimates she recently heard _The Final Chapter_ for the first time -- within the last six months, in any case. [Rating based on recent listening and one listen through new physical CD: ****1/2]

The sound of a sickening sexual encounter which could easily shock a 'leading' British tabloid blares into the cold blue of a spring night sky as water trickles below. 'Twould be a beautiful, still, calm and relaxing vista to take in were it not for the frogs and the new selection on the 'turntable' that calls itself _Terrorist: Necronaut Part One_. Yes, Mr. Carpathian Forest himself, NATTEFROST, has apparently charmed DUB with the fun black metal debauchery of his, ahem, 'indulgent' solo project. That's putting it mildly, but having as much in common with Venom as you do with Darkthrone somehow always turns out as a winning equation. The incontinence inducing lyrics are a bonus: if it wasn't funny, this would be fucking shit. KK chimes me again. Like Vondur's legendary "Stridsyfirling" (perhaps that's the spelling...) _Terrorist_ is best remembered by that one word. Practically speaking, it's ideal for clearing parties -- or if you have the right kind of friends, turning any average party into something you might be lucky enough not to wake up from, as some guy KK keeps referring to as Roger the Sniper apparently put it. We have no idea why that was deemed relevant, but DUB designed a cool drinking game you can play while you figure it out, whose rules now follow. It's called "The True Primitive Narrow-Minded Elite Nattefrost Black Metal Drinking Game". One shot each time he screams: cunt, whore, grim, necro, Satan, terrorist, goat, deathfuck or any combination thereof. Two shots each time you hear either 'necronaut', 'sodomy' or 'slaughter'. Three if you're lucky enough to spot utterances of 'nekropenis', 'sadowhore' or 'nekrocult'. And no peeking at the lyrics now, 'hear? Apparently you can get 98 points if you hit every shot, so if you invite Sharpshooter Roger round, you'll need at least two and a half litres of liquor to cover his intake alone. And that's if he doesn't cheat. [Tentative average rating after one listen: ***]

A motorcycle engine revs and horns beep. There are rednecks somewhere, but it could be something to do with NOCTURNUS being beamed our way from off a satelite (of love?) via 'fans' who want to 'share' never-before-seen performances. Called _A Farewell to Planet Earth_, this doubtless unsanctioned DVD features three bootlegs in succession, from 1997, 1993 and 1991 respectively. How 'bootleg' are we talking? Well, put it this way: write in and we'll give you the stated name and address of the 'company' that released it. If any are written on the no-booklet, one-side-printed case, with no tracklisting -anywhere- (some kind of shocking blurb fills half one side of the back cover, but it contains -no- track titles, we are assured). At first we all think 'shit-looking Hawkwind bootleg'. ZZ promised to type up the apparently reliable tracklist he made and send it over, should anyone want it. Personally, we're good and DUB feels likewise. The thing looks to me like a compilation of footage perhaps commissioned by Season of Mist, Moribund and/or Earache, respectively. If anyone out there reading this would like to hear what an appropriate representative of one or more of those labels would have to say about it, we'll happily ask for an audience -- and if permitted, record and 'transcribe' the results for some future 'rant'. If you ask us to, that is. We're not sure we care enough. Not yet, anyway. -That's- what sucks, says ZZ in explanation of the plug-pull end of the second track of footage from 1991. All we get is two songs, clearly opening a set -- and what were they? Only the first two tracks of _The Key_! KK is reminding us that this is a bootleg without a tracklisting on its reverse, parading the DVD case as best as can be managed through machinery. "I can't catch the songs through the quality of the sound. I've never actually listened to Nocturnus before," confesses DUB. In summation: torrent the fucker, for sure, but check ZZ's 'list (if anyone cares and we end up posting it in the next of these reports) as the tracks featured should not vary. And be warned: KK assured us that at least some of the slow-downs we witnessed were not related to the nature of our connection to the media. Do not buy without trying some 'thing' beforehand, for godssakes? Is KK trying to go all Hunter S on us or what!? [Overall rating on basis of 'buyers guide' status: ** (try before you buy!)]

Report #1 ends...

[Copyright SODOMISED ABORTION PRODUCTIONS, 2008]

[Featuring the music of Darkthrone, Hypocrisy, Immortal, Kroda, Nattefrost and Nocturnus; or it would have, if we were offering podcasts for free and not at some theoretic price to be determined at a future date]

[Please note: 'Roger the Sniper' is not a registered trademark because this publication seeks no monetary reward. But he is a fictional construct whose stories as alluded here are 'true', though there be no pertinent 'facts' by which to verify them. If you want us to podcast the audio of this text approximation, please contact CoC directly]