Back once again...
With the ill behaviour
by: Daniel Cairns
First things first, it's been ages since I submitted anything newsworthy. Sorry about that, but I've been incredibly busy. Well, not busy, preoccupied. Ok not preoccupied, I've been sodding lazy. I went through a stage of not bothering with metal and have been listening to nothing but Leonard Cohen and Pissed Jeans, so you kvlt dickheads aren't going to want to hear about that, are you? You're all too busy with your metal, you boring poltroons.

Anyway, to make up for my absence, how about a vague round up of all the stuff I can be arsed to remember, with some biting, witty comment?

The whole Limp Bizkit / Machine Head feud erupted to new scales of idiocy, as Machine Head played at Sonisphere after all. Fair enough, but their bumfluff-tached fans proceeded to chant "Fuck Limp Bizkit", much to the approval of old man Flynn.

How did Fred Durst respond? With a boast or a butthurt threat?

Why no! He expressed confusion and disappointment at the proceedings. You know that something is wrong when Fred Durst comes away looking like the dignified one. Having said that, it's still a pretty embarrassing state of affairs when men in their 40s are engaging in the kind of stuff that would make my neighbours kids wince for being too childish.

Also _3 Dollar Bill Y'All_ is really good in bits. Yeah I said it. Shut up.

What else has happened? Oh yeah, Zakk Wylde and Ozzy Osbourne. This is pretty funny. They could make a romantic comedy out of this shit. As you're no doubt already aware, Ozzy Osbourne diplomatically expressed a desire to play with some new musicians, and Zakk Wylde has been ranting and raving like the redneck loon he is, threatening to beat Ozzy up and stuff in radio interviews. I don't know where the whole thing is at now, as I genuinely couldn't give a toss. It's pretty depressing when something this flagrantly stupid makes news. Jesus. No wonder metal is ridiculed throughout the free world.

Also, completely unrelated, Wylde had to go to hospital recently. Whilst someone being hospitalised is never funny, the picture of Wylde in a hospital gown trying to look hard is hilarious. Just google 'Zakk Wylde' and 'hospital' and you shall see. HESSIAN IN A GOWN.

The last notable thing I can think of is Cradle of Filth at Bloodstock. Someone threw shit at them, causing them to go off early with an injured member (matron). Whilst I salute any effort to stop Cradle of Filth playing, that's waaay too far. These people play to entertain you ya dumbells, not to be hospitalised.

It turns out the item in question was a cricket ball sized gobstopper. You know cricket, don't you? It's a gentleman's game, played by the more civilised places in the world. It's far too intelligent for Americans and that. Anyway, imagine if said missile had been thrown at Dani Filth. It would have been like that bit in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when Indiana Jones is running away from the massive boulder. That would have been more entertaining than what I saw of Cradle's set, but still, I could never condone the behaviour of one retard, spoiling it for many. If anyone knows who did it, throw a beachball at them repeatedly, and see how they like it.

Also, I babbled incoherently about wanking to Vincent Cavanagh of Anathema, but that's another story.

Oh, and Noel Gallagher left Oasis.

And fat titted UK based moron Kerry Katona went mental, causing a media meltdown in Britain, thus proving 2012 cannot come soon enough.

Land of hope and glory indeed. :(

(article submitted 2/9/2009)


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