Moshquito - _Worlds End_
(Morbid Records, 2001)
by: Matthias Noll (3 out of 10)
Once upon a time, in the land where Iron and Steel never rust, the Gods of Metal sat in their assembly hall and polished their mighty broadswords. Suddenly, from out of nowhere a voice was heard. "Gods of Metal, we summon thee!" "Oh no, not Germany again", one of the lesser Gods remarked, and they continued with their daily routine. "Gods of Metal, we summon thee" was heard again and probably because polishing broadswords all day long is a mighty boring task even for Gods, this time they acknowledged the summoning. "What is your desire?", they asked. "We are the band Moshquito and we need your advice." The gods looked at each other and replied: "Moshquito, despite your absolutely stupid band name we look upon you with great sympathy, because you have been around for more than fifteen years. You have even been worshipping us from behind the wall that once separated Eastern and Western Germany. Ask and you will receive advice!" "Gods of Metal, allow us to describe the problem", the band Moshquito said. "Unfortunately we have no clue how to write a song. We also do not know how to write a single really crushing metal riff, but we can come up with a high quantity of less impressive riffs instead. Further on, we have a singer who can neither sing, nor screech, nor growl, and doesn't have any real qualities. On the other hand, our rhythm section is quite tight and enjoys doing intricate stuff, even if they are no match for masters like Meshuggah or Watchtower. We also have no big budget and the sound engineer we plan to use for our next record is not very capable. Almighty Gods of Metal, please help us -- what should we do?" The Gods of Metal looked at each other, already regretting that they had offered their support. "Moshquito", they said, "Why don't you play covers?" "No way, we want to do our own stuff and we have a record deal", Moshquito answered. "Okay, your dedication honours you, Moshquito. There's only one way to go. Play very technical thrash metal. That way you don't need songs, but instead many, many breaks. Just try to sound weird and interesting and use as many average riffs as possible. You also won't need a good singer, because if you engage in pseudo-technical wankery long enough, you'll produce so much intricacy there'll be no need for melodies anyway. And don't worry about the sound. Even producers like our beloved Fredrik Nordstrom and Peter Tagtgren wouldn't be able to substantially improve your record. Now you must leave us alone and start to do the deeds of Metal!" "Gods of Metal, we praise you eternally. Allow us one last question. Will we be successful with that album?" "Moshquito, you are grown up people and you deserve to know the truth. You'll sell records only to your friends and families, because you do not have much talent. And now off with you, or we'll put you under the spell of the disappearing mullet, which will leave you bald-headed forevermore!" And so the band Moshquito, happy with the advice they got from the Gods of Metal, recorded their album, which will soon be available on eBay and bargain bins throughout Europe for extremely reasonable prices.

(article published 13/5/2001)


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